Co-Parenting (The Art of War)

Co- Parenting. (The Art of War)

So the sun is setting on your once bright relationship.  Your boo/bae has become that effin B (itch or astard). The only thing keeping you from a clean break, and a full pardon if you will, is the new life that shares half your DNA…. Now What?

The very first step in the process is probably the easiest… Hell it’s the only one that is an easy step.  Give your ex a term of respect (i.e. dead the baby mama/daddy ish).  Names/Labels are important. I suggest Co-Parent. It’s what has worked for me.  It is especially useful in teacher’s conferences, doctors’ visits etc. It says to the person(s) on the other side of the desk  (who is typically melanin deficient….. read between the lines) that although we are not a romantic couple, we are a Parenting Team.

Unfortunately in the war of hearts, children make the best ammunition.  The next step to effective co-parenting is to TRULY, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY and SINCERELY be done with the relationship (i.e.  with each other).  Half the arguments that  will/have arisen that are surfacely (not a real word… but I’m using artistic liberty… don’t judge me)  focused on the kids, but  in actuality have nothing do with them, and everything to do with hurt feelings  (of jealously, resentment, anger, betrayal, all of the above and then some)  What difference does it make if your ex drops the kids off at his or her mother’s and goes to the club. As long as the person babysitting is responsible then it’s really, for lack of a better term ”none-ya”.  What difference does it make, that at Dad’s house the kids get to stay up till 10; or at Mom’s, she cleans their rooms or whatever the difference.  Let’s be honest, if it is consistent (optimal word) then the kid’s will eventually learn that there is a set of rules they have to abide at Dad’s, and maybe a different set at Mom’s. Easy enough.  I mean kids spend all day in school, with a set of rules that is in many ways different than those at home, but typically don’t come home and raise their hands to go the bathroom. So relax, and face facts: trying to make sure your Co-Parent does what you would do is nothing more than flexing your muscle and trying to control your Ex, period, point blank.

Communication is Key, (respect is the Key ring…):

While there are, and always will be, differences in parenting styles, beliefs etc., what is paramount is that you communicate with your co-parent.  In order for effective communication to happen there has to be a fundamental and mutual respect.  Keep in mind that while you may not agree with your co-parents choices when it comes to the kids,  there choices come from a place of love, and what they believe is in the best interest of their (your) children.  This simple thought will make it much easier to have conversations.  Optimal word is conversations….as in actually talking to each other. Texting and emails are good only for logistics,  pick-up/drop off times and locations and “whatnot”. Side note: As your child(ren) get older, it will be more difficult for them to play you against your Co-Parent if there is communication. Personally, my eldest was good for asking his mom for money, then me, creating a situation where we, the parents resented each other, and the child had twice the loot…Just saying.  Or would get in trouble at moms, and then all of a sudden want to come to dad’s house.. SEGWAY

Develop Extradition policies: Present a Unified Front

Kids are the most observant and tactical creatures on the planet.  Doubt me? Let me ask you this: can you create a scenario in which you get your parents to give you what you want (Let that marinate)… Every daughter knows to call dad and every son knows to call his mother, and play the “role” to get  their needs met…Therefore you and your Co-Parent have to be on the same page when it comes to discipline and reward i.e. if your child is on punishment and can’t watch T.V. at one parents home, the sentence is NOT waived by going to the other parent’s home. (Note that communication is VITAL in making this happen).  If the parents resent each other, then simply informing your co-parent about a punishment and the expectations around it, will sound a lot like a command, and thus the argument has commenced.

Finances: The currency of Love is time
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I will probably be put on the Single Mother’s most wanted list for this next part…. but here goes.  Raising kids is not about the money….. Let me be clear,  I’m not talking about the deadbeat parents who choose to be selfish and not put their kids first. I’m talking about the parents who are down on their luck and don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  It means more that you  play dress up with your daughter or go to all your son’s football games, and/or sit through all those terrible recitals with the off beat and tone deaf kids (of course not your kid… but all those other ones  lol).  That is not to say that you become complacent with not giving money and steps should be taken ASAP to help. But the truth is as simple as this: you live within your means.  If you were a married couple and one parent lost their job, you would alter your budget accordingly. But because you two are not together, the loss your co-parent’s job is not YOUR problem.  That is what happens when you separate, but instead of being bitter, just keep the other party informed and try to be supportive because when the other parent is on their feet ultimately your kids do better. Now,  if that’s not the person your dealing with… truth is that’s the bed you made…and complaining to everyone who will listen is just plain unproductive

In the end the primary focus should be on the kids.  Utilizing your individual parenting strengths and styles for the betterment of your offspring… PERIOD!!!

Lexx Domond

aka.

Mr. Writing Wrong